How to Get Thrown Out of a Gym - Part 2

(Continued from How to be a Workout Nazi...)

"I also remember a guy during those initial days of gym. He used to go Ryan Gosling from Crazy, Stupid, Love (2011) on us in the locker room. Although not fully nude, he would strip down to his bare minimum and do some free-hand exercises that would require lots of bending and twisting. Things, you don't want to see on your first day at gym. So, trust me when I say I braved it out there in those initial period. Trying to gel in, I stripped down myself to those shorts showing some skinny legs, lest they think I was homophobic!"

The biweekly weight check and diet counselling was carried out by a professional who sits in an office at the ladies' gym. Not so surprisingly, everyone at the men's gym wants to get their weights checked all the time. After 4 weeks of working out (and two discarded, outgrown t-shirts later), I was asked to get my weight checked at the office. Little did I know, that the professional might've been the real life inspiration for the protagonist in the movie Bheja fry (2007) or Le dîner de cons (1998).

Why this pretentious French analogy? You'll see!

He began by asking what I do, which I responded to faithfully. Then to establish some form of similarity, he took me through his stint at the Indian Institute of Technology, Kanpur and then at the École normale supérieure, Paris and then at the Washington Univers.. wait! WHAT?!! Did I hear right? Did he just claim to have studied at the École normale supérieure? That would mean.. he shared his alma mater with giants like Michel Foucault, Jacques Derrida, Louis Pasteur and Pierre Bourdieu! Oh my God!

To be honest, that totally blew my mind. I tried to follow his words very carefully that moment on. I thought I had just found my idol. My role model. In the most unlikeliest of places, have I found my guru?

Somewhere between his words, I resolved to touch his feet before I leave this office. The ancient Indian gesture of bestowing the ultimate respect never seemed so plausible. He spoke for a little more than an hour and by that time I had forgotten what it was exactly that deemed my presence in that room. It felt like the universe was one with me, and I was floating in space, high on LSD - his words had such an effect. 'Respect your parents, respect your guru' said he, summing up.

Anyway, you could imagine how I must've felt the moment he clarified that he was only the lowly gym and sports instructor at all of these educational institutes. Including the École normale supérieure at Paris. I almost cried for the time I lost listening to him talk.

He took my weight and said 'You are two kilograms heavier than normal son..'
I made a face and responded, 'Is it? Well, blow me!' I did not articulate that last part.

A very pretty girl had entered the room somewhere between the marathon of words that the professional was pulling on me. She had taken a seat next to me, although I noticed her only at the end of the hour long lecture. While I was about to excuse myself from the office, the girl jumped in with some work that she brought to the professional. I felt sad for her, 'Poor girl, doesn't know what she's getting into. I say, minimum one hour before she leaves the place..' And then I got out.

It was raining outside. I pulled out my umbrella and was preparing to start my walk back home. I dislike getting wet in the rain, so I took my time. Just before I started, I heard the 'creak' of the gate being opened behind me. The girl had escaped quick! Smart girl! Or was she?

'So you work out at the gym?'

Small talk was never my forte. So, I started to walk after offering a smile. To my awkward realization, she followed. It was raining hard and we both were holding on to our respective umbrellas tightly. She called from behind me. It seemed our conversation was not yet over.

'So you're going to the US?'
'Yes' I replied, hesitantly.
'My sister lives in the USA too!'
'Is it? Where?'
'No, as in which state?'
'No no.. Not in a state.. in the very country, America!'
'Oh, okay..' I did fail in geography once.
'What time do you come?' asked she, persistently.
'Morning, usually.. quite early.. I try to get back by about 8:30 though..'

Now, she was pretty. Very pretty. And that was perhaps also the reason why I was involuntarily passing such crucial information about when I come out of the gym to her. Much against my wishes, trust me. Those were surely those bloody hormones again! Those bitches browbeat you into submission.

'Great..' she acknowledged, 'So you've been working out long?'
'Just a month actually..'
'I used to gym long back, but got busy and left it.'
'Oh, okay..'
'Yeah.. I mean, I recently broke up with my boyfriend.. and now I'm free, as in I'm single.. so I decided to gym all over again.. you know, to maintain my figure.. where do you live, by the way?'
'Umm.. Just around the corner.. hey, I'm sorry, I have to hurry.. bah-bye!' said I and walked away as fast as I could. Go speedracer, go!

Next morning, I went to the gym again. In my neon coloured Umbro running shoes and all. I had slowly begun to push my limits, and was getting into the rigorous regime of working out. And it had barely started to show some results. My gym instructor - Pappu, if you recall him - was happy with my punctuality and effort as I had told him right in the beginning that I wasn't one to be working out because I thought I needed a "Salman Khan body" or anything. He seemed least interested. I wasn't one of the poster boys for a gym anyway.

After the work out, I got out of the gym and started walking. Now the ladies' gym was situated at such a place that I had to cross it while on my way home. In the back of my mind I remembered the girl from the day before. I half-wished not to see her again. But while they say that our worst fears are seldom realized, mine just came true.

There she was, all dressed up, especially if you consider that it was the gym that she was coming to. She had an umbrella on one hand and was looking at her watch impatiently (which she seemed to be wearing on the wrong hand) and was glancing my way again and again. I slowed down immediately and tried to align myself behind a tree, clearly obstructed from her view. 'It can't be' I thought.

'HI!!' she shouted from a mile away. I was easily spotted. Mental note: must hide better and act quicker. And must get rid of neon shoes. I smiled back. She came running, while I simply stood there, awkwardly.

'Hello.. again..' said I as she came closer.
'Arrey yaar, how much do you work out? I was almost about to leave..'
In another world, I'd have kissed the person who'd have said those words. But not tonight.
'Do you have a girlfriend?'
'Where is she?'
'Umm.. Bangalore..' said I, as I tried to walk faster. She kept up.
'But you're going to U.S.A. right?'
'Yeah.. so?'
'So, shouldn't you break up before you leave?'

I almost choked on air at her presumptuous suggestion. I made some story up of my mum calling me on my phone. I even put it to the ear and pretended to talk to mum for a minute. Apparently someone at my home had chosen to die at the very auspicious moment and I needed to hurry. I put the phone down and set my face to a permanent grimace and started to run.

'Is everything alright?' she asked, one eyebrow raised.
'Yeah.. I've got to run though.. see you tomorrow..' said I and ran like there's no tomorrow!

I woke up the next day and deliberately changed my route. It required me to go around a lake that took about fifteen minutes more. I was contemplating what to tell her if I happened to bump into her. Thankfully I didn't. At least not for next 2 days. On the third day, I tried to take the older route. It was shorter and let's face it, no one wants to go on the longer route after a couple of hours at the gym. So I took the old route and kept my eyes open. A couple of confident steps later, I caught a dreadful glimpse of her impatient avatar. In front of the ladies' gym. Same place, same time. By the looks of her, it didn't seem like she was actually waiting for someone. She was chewing gum in the sun for all that it can be. But that was it for me. That was it!

I went to mum and said, 'Ma, I have a confession to make..'
'Is it that girl again?' I had told her why I was getting late every day.
'No, its just my love for bed and nakedness and slumber. I can't go to the gym anymore..' I pleaded.
She smiled, said 'Its definitely the girl!'

Next thing I know, she was gossiping about it with my girlfriend when she came down to the city the next week. I was like the national joke in my house all that week. Urgh!


  1. oh poor u :p btw i had anticipated something else for ur leaving d gym (psst... i wont tell u!! you might well as hit me for that :p)

  2. hahahahahah classy. Now you can never be the salman khan style poster boy. WHAT IS THIS YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR?
    This was hilarious.

  3. You kicked my Monday blues' ass. Thank you.

  4. Come on, anyone but Salman Khan YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!! :P I can be the retarded Hrithik Roshan from Koi Mil Gaya.. Will do? :) Thanks!

  5. Can I include that in my CV?? :) You're most welcome!

  6. No ways:P I have no intention of getting killed by a fellow bong!!:P:D

  7. Feel free. Want a testimonial on LinkedIn or something?

  8. Naaaaaaah.. But I'll let you know! :D

  9. okay :P here is it, i thought that gay gym trainer kinda messed with you ( you know wht i mean, right! :p ) so u decided 2 bid adieu to da gym!!
    now dont get mad at me :p

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  11. One of your best blog posts ever, Deeptiman! :D
    Who knew you'd quit going to the gym because of a deranged stalker? :P
    I've been laughing nonstop since I started reading this post. I really should've read it sooner....
    Although we (Diptee di and I) had heard about your stalker...didn't think things would become this...well, (for lack of a better word) funny. ^_^

    I hope you find time to keep blogging. You really do help people feel better after they read your blog and laugh! :-)

  12. Well, I wanted to tell you guys details about that stalker.. but trust me, although I was weirded out and mildly freaked out as well, that's NOT THE REASON WHY I LEFT THE GYM! ;)

  13. Yeah...I'm not buying the story you've told your mother about love for your bed and slumber....that is just NOT it.
    And I dare you to tell us the reason :D

  14. Hahahaha.. Smart boy. The moment she said USA thing, you got so repulsive. Haha. Trust me I would have done the same. Your whole experience at gym was so funny and tragic, I don't think you'll ever step your feet in one again! :P
    BTW, when are you leaving? Packing done? Don't forget to pack lots of Maggi. It's a life saver =D
    Let me know if you need anything.

  15. No gym, unless surrounded by indifferent hot-bod ladies! Bas, keh diya! :P
    Almost done with packing. But the 23 kg weight limit is such a bitch! :| My roommate's friend is coming to pick me up from the airport and she will take me around the city for awhile - dinner and grocery store included. So, I'll get all my supplies from there. And thanks for the offer of help, I surely will! :)

  16. I want to go there. anyone wants to join me?
    See this....

  17. I almost read this blog. I like this.