The Barbarian Ravens from Hell...

Do you know anyone who'll kill for money?

Not an assassination. Neither its just a single person. Its more of a mass genocide - kind of Saddam-ish. I'll be a paying customer. And I know for sure that the act will be highly hailed and rewarded among masses.

It so happens that we have this sorry-excuse-for-a-shop, a sad namesake of the baker from The Godfather (who saved Michael Corleone when his pop got shot.. sob!) - it's called 'Enzo' in our men's hostel campus. The people there are rude, make pathetic coffee and worse, they don't even try to understand our language! They are crazy people, I'd say..

However, it doesn't stop me from chugging down bucketful of coffee everyday that I get from there. And neither they're the people I want to kill! (Wait a minute.. given a choice, I mean, given a guilt-free pass, I would definitely give it a moment of thought..)

All I want to kill are the damned CROWS that gather in front of that wretched place!!

By now, you all must be knowing (for if you don't, you're lonely! You need a life and a girlfriend..) that sparrows are getting extinct because of all the electromagnetic radiation in our atmosphere. That is sad, I love sparrows and they don't exactly pose any threat, neither do they make a terrible shriek of their bird-call.. They don't poop on your head, clothes, places.. In fact I've never ever, EVER seen them pooping!! Do they.. I mean.. poop at all?

I'm kidding (if you didn't get it, that is..) Of course, they poop! But you know what poops more? CROWS! They poop an entire mugful every time some random unpretending stranger walks down the street, in his best dress, below the tree it's sitting.. 'SPLOTCH!'

These crows, about hundreds of them, roam around surveying the scenery around the dustbins, waste-paper heaps and every single branch of the tree that lies around Enzo.. Its their territory now. They rule those lands, their badlands.

It started with patties and cakes initially. These crows would be subtle, quick and smooth as they swoop down from their high-perched heavens on their hungry, unassuming victims and snatch the food.. It was all being done in a flawless sense of convincing righteousness.

Who's your Daddy?

However, the rise of all civilizations depend on their ambition and foresight. The crows were no exception to this formula.. They're thriving now. And since I caught them stealing food from a poor freshman girl from within the Technology tower, far away inside the college campus, I can successfully say that their brood is 'going places' almost literally! Nowadays they don't give a damn on subtlety. And whoever mentioned being quiet and smooth! They're devil incarnate, a scratching, clawing, hitting, biting army of crazy guerrillas! These beak-bastards are even targeting the coffee-drinking population within VIT! And that's where my concern comes in.. What pleasure do they get by spilling fluids just to ruin someone's day, money and the carnal need-to-drink-coffee..

Ever since 6 years ago, a diarrheal-crow shit on my new Levi Strauss purchase just before I got out with my friends to watch the movie King Kong and got us 15 minutes late, I've held a grudge. They happen to be the fastest example of evolution, nature will ever view. The crows are now a well-known phenomenon. They're the talking point in our social circles, on the campus, social networking, Facebook, Google+ and in the darkest corner's of the mind of every VITian graduate's life..

It's time fellas, time to kill. Time to take the law in our own hands.


  1. WOW WOW WOW WOW...!!!! Super funny writing.. Just the way it needs to be.. and seriously sparrows do they poop at all??? and the crow in the pic.. god.!! look at its expression.. I have been pretty non violent with animals ( read that as scared , size doesn't matter); but the day one of those special genetically modified crows swooped down, pecked on my head n tried to steal my cake, man.!! I sweared to God to kill them given an opportunity.

  2. very good. It is really sad Sparrows are on the verge of extinction. some other animals and birds like vultures are also on the extinction list. No matter whether they pose any threat or not but they are very much a part of our ecosystem. And on this very simple and solid reason all creatures become so necessary for our being too.

  3. @Lucifer's angel: thank you for your wonderful comment.. rather reaction! HAHA!! Everyone have their tragedies with crows at some point or another.. they can be real pests!

    @Rajnish: It is sad indeed.. but being a Biotechnology student and an enthusiast of Evolution, I always believe that nature's ways are very dynamic and transient.. all we can do is slow down.. but that's not going to happen now, is it? Selfish lot, the human beings are!

  4. as my friend pronoy said.... awsum u r.

    1. thanks man! pronoy, my bhai says too kindly.. :P

  5. I like crows.I dont really see anything radically wrong with them except their increasing 'poopulation' :P. They are sleek and beautiful and black!and their pooping habbits might need a little change location wise but there's really nothing wrong with their screeching!Poor things vocal cords are a bit askew,now how are they to blame?and how about this.someone you absolutely DETEST from the bottom of your heart is walking by and a crow strategically placed above him,poops on his head.Now who would you be grateful to?haan?Goooo Crows :p
    haha sorry Deepda I love all animals and any offense to them pisses me off :P but really well written!!Goo you too :P

    1. you should really come inside the men's hostel campus and live a day near Enzo - the shop - its their badlands! :P and somehow the crows are evil brained, they just cannot poop on the head of your most detested person.. its almost as if it is ethically wrong for the crow to do so.. i love all animals too, but for crows i make an exception.. awwww! =)

    2. I'm Sure the crows will find it in their hearts to forgive you!their hearts are not the same colour as their feathers :D yeaaah I know its silly of me to defend them so much =P

    3. are you a Wiccan, by any chance..? =D